Vulnerable

Yesterday was my birthday...for some reason my birthday always makes me nervous/sad/happy at the same time. Nervous because I never know what to expect, I find it a bit embarrassing being the center of attention. Sad because I have to think of all my friends back home, with whom I'd love to celebrate my birthday with. Happy, because well, it's my birthday. Cake, presents, and love all around.

Mhm I got a Coldplay CD for my birthday (Parachutes). I absolutely love it. I'm listening to it for the fourth or fifth time now. I listened to it twice while walking with the dog today.

For some reason my walk was, I don't know, strangely nice. I felt so calm, like I didn't have a care in the world. Which of course I do, but at that moment, it felt like nothing could go wrong, would go wrong. Now I'm just tired...probably because I walked around 80 minutes, but that's good. I took a nice bath, read, painted my toenails, and get to watch GNTM now. That show always makes me feel a bit inadequate in looks, though I know that I'm rather quite pretty (even if I normally don't like admit it, even to myself). And I have a stronger character than most of those girls anyway. And I'm finally rebuilding my self-confidence. After we moved I felt so insecure that I didn't even recognize myself. I've never been shy, I've always had a bit of a tough exterior shell when it comes to things that make me uncomfortable, but those first few months I was so vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable.

Cravings

I'm craving Independence and spiritual insight and that one really divine kick that'll wake me up and get me out of this rut. I hate depending on other people to make me happy, but at the same time I crave attention and love. I want to go home, where I was so in control or at least could pretend that I was. I'm teetering on the brink of break through or breakdown. There is no subtle middle here.

Blog X

This is my who-knows-how-many-eth blog. I'm either too lazy to blog or just too unmotivated.
But enough of that. I'll just do a quick intro and then we'll get on with it.

1) Me
In that awkward phase called teenagerdom that most middle age people wish they could in but only because they don't remember what kind of hell it is. I'm rather introverted but can be social when the right people are present. I like to philosophise and always ask questions that most people can't answer.

2) Title
The Nightstand Manifest comes from my theory that you can tell lots about a person just by looking at what they have on their nightstand. I for example, have multiple journals, a mini Buddha, a rosary, lots of books, an mp3 player, etc. More about that later though.

3) Purpose
I just need a place to rant and rave and get into people's faces without actually you know, getting up in their face. I'll post things that'll be most likely uninteresting to the average reader, but that's alright, because well, no one reads these things anyway. But I'll try to keep it semi-entertaining for all you late night web log readers.