I can't believe how ridiculously teen angsty I am today. Overly melodramatic.
I cried.
I got angry.
I got over it.
I was alone a bit.
I started posting to a pro-ana forum.
What the hell??
I AM NOT anorexic. Do not want to be. I love my body, I know I am beautiful. So why am I doing this?
Support? Affirmation? The feeling of belonging?
I don't need this.
I don't want to get caught up in this.
Ugh.
I need to think.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Mediocrity
Meh. I'm disappointed in myself.
I used to be better than this.
I used to be able to do anything.
I used to be the best.
Now.
Now I'm ordinary.
Mediocre.
Average.
I hate it.
Absolutely hate it.
And the worst thing is: I'm still not doing anything about it. I've lost my motivation. I hate wallowing in self-pity, yet I do nothing to make myself feel better. It's easier being miserable.
I hate this.
I used to be better than this.
I used to be able to do anything.
I used to be the best.
Now.
Now I'm ordinary.
Mediocre.
Average.
I hate it.
Absolutely hate it.
And the worst thing is: I'm still not doing anything about it. I've lost my motivation. I hate wallowing in self-pity, yet I do nothing to make myself feel better. It's easier being miserable.
I hate this.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Dreamland
Amusement park today: amusing, but I was only half into it. Normally things like rides meant for six year olds cause me to bubble over with excitement and turn in me into a slightly larger version of above mentioned six year olds. But today I felt rather tired and I hate to say it, slightly melancholic. I really did try to power through the day, and it did work suprisingly well until now. As long as no one irritates me within the next hour or so, I should be fine.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Fine Line
There is a fine line between rage and frustration. Today I'm in "bite me bitches" kind of mood. Everyone and everything irritates me. My boyfriend's bad mood, math class, my mom, the dog. I honestly feel like slapping the next person who gets within arm length of me. I feel driven to do something productive, I feel a sort of anger driven urge to move coming on. I'll probably go jogging later, do some ab work, and then do yoga. Maybe that'll calm me down. Or I'll just lay in bed reading until my irritation turns into self pity. That always works nicely, but ends up being rather counterproductive.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Special Topics in Calamity Physics I
I've finally bought a new English book to read.: Special Topics in Calamity Phyics. No, it is not a book about phyics, it's a poignant novel which makes me daydream for hours after reading.
The one aspect of this book that I love, is the idea of travelling the country, not staying in any place for more than a few months, and receiving a top notch education along the way. I'm a travelling freak, I absolutely love going to new places. I find you learn more that way than just sitting in your same old suburb, visting the same old locales, making no new experiences. I crave that type of change. Well right now I'm happy with where I am, I'm just starting to get to that point (again) where I would rather jump out of my skin than stay in one place. But thankfully I'll be travelling a lot this year: an amusement park in Holland on Tuesday, a bike tour to the North Sea next week, the Swiss Alps at the beginning of July, Wisconsin (!) at the end of July, and Greece during fall break. That's enough to keep me sane for now.
I wish there were a job where you could travel and get paid well while doing something that you love. Maybe write for a travel magazine? Or be a travelling professor like the father in the book? All I know is that I WILL NOT be one of those people who goes to college, gets a job, gets married and has kids, and spends the rest of their life wasting away in the suburbs. At least not until I've seen more of the world.
The one aspect of this book that I love, is the idea of travelling the country, not staying in any place for more than a few months, and receiving a top notch education along the way. I'm a travelling freak, I absolutely love going to new places. I find you learn more that way than just sitting in your same old suburb, visting the same old locales, making no new experiences. I crave that type of change. Well right now I'm happy with where I am, I'm just starting to get to that point (again) where I would rather jump out of my skin than stay in one place. But thankfully I'll be travelling a lot this year: an amusement park in Holland on Tuesday, a bike tour to the North Sea next week, the Swiss Alps at the beginning of July, Wisconsin (!) at the end of July, and Greece during fall break. That's enough to keep me sane for now.
I wish there were a job where you could travel and get paid well while doing something that you love. Maybe write for a travel magazine? Or be a travelling professor like the father in the book? All I know is that I WILL NOT be one of those people who goes to college, gets a job, gets married and has kids, and spends the rest of their life wasting away in the suburbs. At least not until I've seen more of the world.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Nerd
I honestly am one of the biggest nerds I know. I love to read, spend hours on wikihow, read philosophy, and actually enjoy studying French. And I'm an anal grammar freak thanks to my seventh grade English teacher. But the good (and sometimes bad) thing is that no one here seems to realize just how nerdy I am.
Of course it's good in the way that I won't be treated as an outsider or as one of the awkward types. People aren't quite as open here as they are in the USA. The biggest downside is that I sometimes, quite frequently in my opinion, get viewed as rather dumb. On the surface I appear to be normal, funny, pretty if I dare say so, but not all too intelligent. The underlying cause of that is that I find it difficult to answer questions in class. I normally do know the answer, I just go completely blank when put under that pressure. I never used to have a problem with it, but since we've moved here I've been finding it increasingly difficult. The only classes where I participate are the ones that aren't held in German, i.e. French and English. Ah and math, but numbers really are a language of their own.
Now we've gotten all of our exams done, so the remaing month of school is rather superfluous. But maybe, just maybe I can kick it in, suck it up, participate and raise my grades a bit. I've already held a presentation in Religion (to my upmost embarassment) to raise my grade. But in the remaining subjects, I really need to kick it up. The problem in Biology is, that I normally have no idea what's going on. Our teacher explains (or rather doesn't explain) the material in a way that I have trouble understanding it. Even though I know that I know what we're talking about.
It's really frustrating going from that student with straight A's to the one with mediocre grades who's intelligence is quite frequently underestimated. Well...next year will be different. I have all summer to work on that, and I swear, I will change.
Of course it's good in the way that I won't be treated as an outsider or as one of the awkward types. People aren't quite as open here as they are in the USA. The biggest downside is that I sometimes, quite frequently in my opinion, get viewed as rather dumb. On the surface I appear to be normal, funny, pretty if I dare say so, but not all too intelligent. The underlying cause of that is that I find it difficult to answer questions in class. I normally do know the answer, I just go completely blank when put under that pressure. I never used to have a problem with it, but since we've moved here I've been finding it increasingly difficult. The only classes where I participate are the ones that aren't held in German, i.e. French and English. Ah and math, but numbers really are a language of their own.
Now we've gotten all of our exams done, so the remaing month of school is rather superfluous. But maybe, just maybe I can kick it in, suck it up, participate and raise my grades a bit. I've already held a presentation in Religion (to my upmost embarassment) to raise my grade. But in the remaining subjects, I really need to kick it up. The problem in Biology is, that I normally have no idea what's going on. Our teacher explains (or rather doesn't explain) the material in a way that I have trouble understanding it. Even though I know that I know what we're talking about.
It's really frustrating going from that student with straight A's to the one with mediocre grades who's intelligence is quite frequently underestimated. Well...next year will be different. I have all summer to work on that, and I swear, I will change.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Vulnerable
Yesterday was my birthday...for some reason my birthday always makes me nervous/sad/happy at the same time. Nervous because I never know what to expect, I find it a bit embarrassing being the center of attention. Sad because I have to think of all my friends back home, with whom I'd love to celebrate my birthday with. Happy, because well, it's my birthday. Cake, presents, and love all around.
Mhm I got a Coldplay CD for my birthday (Parachutes). I absolutely love it. I'm listening to it for the fourth or fifth time now. I listened to it twice while walking with the dog today.
For some reason my walk was, I don't know, strangely nice. I felt so calm, like I didn't have a care in the world. Which of course I do, but at that moment, it felt like nothing could go wrong, would go wrong. Now I'm just tired...probably because I walked around 80 minutes, but that's good. I took a nice bath, read, painted my toenails, and get to watch GNTM now. That show always makes me feel a bit inadequate in looks, though I know that I'm rather quite pretty (even if I normally don't like admit it, even to myself). And I have a stronger character than most of those girls anyway. And I'm finally rebuilding my self-confidence. After we moved I felt so insecure that I didn't even recognize myself. I've never been shy, I've always had a bit of a tough exterior shell when it comes to things that make me uncomfortable, but those first few months I was so vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable.
Mhm I got a Coldplay CD for my birthday (Parachutes). I absolutely love it. I'm listening to it for the fourth or fifth time now. I listened to it twice while walking with the dog today.
For some reason my walk was, I don't know, strangely nice. I felt so calm, like I didn't have a care in the world. Which of course I do, but at that moment, it felt like nothing could go wrong, would go wrong. Now I'm just tired...probably because I walked around 80 minutes, but that's good. I took a nice bath, read, painted my toenails, and get to watch GNTM now. That show always makes me feel a bit inadequate in looks, though I know that I'm rather quite pretty (even if I normally don't like admit it, even to myself). And I have a stronger character than most of those girls anyway. And I'm finally rebuilding my self-confidence. After we moved I felt so insecure that I didn't even recognize myself. I've never been shy, I've always had a bit of a tough exterior shell when it comes to things that make me uncomfortable, but those first few months I was so vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Cravings
I'm craving Independence and spiritual insight and that one really divine kick that'll wake me up and get me out of this rut. I hate depending on other people to make me happy, but at the same time I crave attention and love. I want to go home, where I was so in control or at least could pretend that I was. I'm teetering on the brink of break through or breakdown. There is no subtle middle here.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Blog X
This is my who-knows-how-many-eth blog. I'm either too lazy to blog or just too unmotivated.
But enough of that. I'll just do a quick intro and then we'll get on with it.
1) Me
In that awkward phase called teenagerdom that most middle age people wish they could in but only because they don't remember what kind of hell it is. I'm rather introverted but can be social when the right people are present. I like to philosophise and always ask questions that most people can't answer.
2) Title
The Nightstand Manifest comes from my theory that you can tell lots about a person just by looking at what they have on their nightstand. I for example, have multiple journals, a mini Buddha, a rosary, lots of books, an mp3 player, etc. More about that later though.
3) Purpose
I just need a place to rant and rave and get into people's faces without actually you know, getting up in their face. I'll post things that'll be most likely uninteresting to the average reader, but that's alright, because well, no one reads these things anyway. But I'll try to keep it semi-entertaining for all you late night web log readers.
But enough of that. I'll just do a quick intro and then we'll get on with it.
1) Me
In that awkward phase called teenagerdom that most middle age people wish they could in but only because they don't remember what kind of hell it is. I'm rather introverted but can be social when the right people are present. I like to philosophise and always ask questions that most people can't answer.
2) Title
The Nightstand Manifest comes from my theory that you can tell lots about a person just by looking at what they have on their nightstand. I for example, have multiple journals, a mini Buddha, a rosary, lots of books, an mp3 player, etc. More about that later though.
3) Purpose
I just need a place to rant and rave and get into people's faces without actually you know, getting up in their face. I'll post things that'll be most likely uninteresting to the average reader, but that's alright, because well, no one reads these things anyway. But I'll try to keep it semi-entertaining for all you late night web log readers.
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